Think your team's season will play out like a movie? Because, well, yeah, it probably will. There have been like 70-something years of movies by now, and chances are, your team will live one of them in 2007. Is that good or bad? Well, chico, that depends.

Fortunately, we here at thehelicon.com recently pulled a Back To The Future ourselves and bagged us one of those future sports almanacs that tells us everything that's gonna happen before it happens, and, unlike that nasty Tannen boy, we're sharing our wealth of information with you. Which movie will your team's 2007 turn out to be? Read on, cowboy. You heard it here first.

NFC East
Philadelphia	Do The Right Thing	Black man in a white man's world realizes he just can't win. 11-5
Dallas	Jaws	Lovable leader tries to make up for nagging past failure. Inevitably, in the end, it all still goes horribly wrong. 9-7
New York Giants	Lethal Weapon	Reckless, mistake-prone gunner gets yelled at by a guy who's waaaaaaay too old for this shit. 7-9
Washington	Pearl Harbor	Proof that the biggest budget in the universe can still beget a giant pile of steaming crap. 6-10
AFC East
New England	Sister Act	Newcomer from the other side of the tracks crashes squeaky clean establishment and ruins everything for a little while, but somehow, everything's OK in the end. 12-4
New York Jets	300	Brilliant tactician rallies army against arrogant foe. Puts up a fight, but still pretty much gets ass kicked. 9-7
Buffalo	March of the Penguins	Cold. Slow. Mostly uneventful. Every once in a while, one falls down. 6-10
Miami	Encino Man	Idiot finds relic of a bygone age; hilarity ensues. 5-10
NFC North
Chicago	Speed	The fate of a busload of people is in the hands of the worst possible human being for the job. 12-4
Green Bay	Dazed and Confused	"They keep getting younger, I stay the same age." 8-8
Detroit	Small Soldiers	Clueless idiot collects mobile toys. Most break or flame out. 6-10
Minnesota	Pitch Black	It blows. There's a bald guy. Easiest one so far. Next! 4-12
AFC North
Baltimore	Seabiscuit	Everybody's excited about the new horse. It falls apart three quarters of the way through. 11-5
Cincinnati	Blow	Fast-paced and intriguing, but you know it can't end anywhere but prison. 10-6
Pittsburgh	Speed 2: Cruise Control	There's a new main man and there's no more Bus, so you know it's probably not gonna be any good. 8-8
Cleveland	Ladybugs	No respect, but they'll beat some good teams. That is, until we find out the team's hotshot new field leader is a crossdressing pretty boy. 5-11
NFC South
New Orleans	Anything by M. Knight Shyamalan	OK, you got everybody the first few times. Nobody's gonna be surprised anymore. 11-5
Carolina	The Da Vinci Code	Pretty good on paper. Awfully disappointing in live action. 11-5
Tampa Bay	Top Gun	A whole lot of pilots, and not a single one is any damn good. 6-10
Atlanta	Transformers: The Movie ('86)	Loads of potential...until the guy that everybody paid to see is out of commission before the action starts, and you're stuck watching a crappy replacement the rest of the way. 3-13
AFC South
Indianapolis	Forrest Gump	Defenseless country boy still manages to do pretty damn good for himself. Over and over and over again. 12-4
Jacksonvile	Face/Off	The lead is a different guy now, but nobody else notices until like 3/4 of the way through because they're both like the same goofy guy anyway. 8-8
Tennessee	Ferris Bueller's Day Off	Upstart young scamp runs around unencumbered for half the script, but in the end, he's gonna end up needing a lot of help. 7-9
Houston	How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days	Step 1: Don't give him an offensive line. 5-11
NFC West
Seahawks	Lost In Translation	Boring, but I hear it's supposed to be pretty good. 9-7
St. Louis	Predator	The one with the dreads keeps on chugging, but most of the supporting cast ends up too battered to have a fighting chance. 9-7
San Francisco	The Parent Trap	Yeah, little and cute now, but in a few years, watch the f*** out. 8-8
Arizona	Napoleon Dynamite	People keep saying it's good. Why? I don't know. It makes absolutely no sense. 6-10
AFC West
San Diego	Weekend at Bernie's	Hip young wannabes show up to party with high hopes, only to be burdened by their everpresent, brain-dead boss. 13-3
Denver	Harold & Maude	Creative senior citizen and perky young go-getter get together. Things start out rocky, but in the end, they end up a pretty good match. Also, they probably make love. 10-6
Kansas City	Snakes on a Plane	Everybody knows it's gonna be bad, and you know there's only one dude anybody's coming to see. 5-11
Oakland	X-Men	Frail old man continues futile quest to make world believe in team of freaks. We're all gonna have to wait like five years until it all comes together, and it's gonna be real real disappointing. 4-12