THE WAYBACK MACHINE
 
 
 
 
By Arnie

I could go on and on with a rambling introduction, but this is a special occasion, so I’m cutting right to the chase with this one.

Bill Paxton is THE absolute sh*t.

Not just like regular sh*t, either.  Like, holy, immortal, golden sh*t begotten from the loins of the gods of Olympus themselves.

If I could do in a lifetime what the Pax has done in a mere thirty-odd years of acting and directing, I could die a happy, awesome man.  Just look at this list of accomplishments:
  • The Pax is the only man in history to ever be killed by an Alien (as Hudson in Alien), a Predator (as Lambert in Predator 2), and a Terminator (as that blue-mohawked punk who sasses Ahnuld before getting manhandled and relieved of his clothing).

  • Before breaking into acting, the Pax was a set dresser and designer for “King of the B Movies” Roger Corman, working under the name “Pete Lautrec.”  Under Corman, Lautrec (nee Paxton) designed the sets for a copule of low budget hardcore pornos: High School Fantasies (1975), and Beach Blanket Bango (1975, also known as the more evocative Teenage Throat).

  • The Pax is the main character in the 1978 music video for late 70’s novelty act Barnes & Barnes’ “Fish Heads.”  In it, the Pax—rocking a killer pompadour, I might add—throws himself a rocking fish head tea party, grows them in his garden, and goes out with one on a date.  He also licks one at about the 4:10 mark.  How this video didn’t win an Oscar and a Pulitzer is beyond my grasp of logic.

  • The Pax returns in a cameo as a Nazi in the 1984 Pat Benatar video for “Shadows of the Night”—which, incidentally, also includes a cameo from potential future thehelicon.com honoree Judge Reinhold.  You can catch the Pax at about the 1:50 mark, standing to the left of the Nazi with the stick.

  • The Pax graduated to real movies in Weird Science, unleashing a torrent of acting ability as heinous older brother Chet.  If you were alive in the 80’s and you can’t remember Chet, you’re a liar and you deserve to go to jail.

  • The Pax occupies not just one, but two spots in the Pantheon of Great Movie Mustaches; once as Wyatt Earp’s dorky younger brother Morgan in Tombstone, and again as the womanizing car salesman in True Lies.

  • Speaking of True Lies, the Pax whizzes himself in the movie not once, but twice!  Faced again with eternal movie nemesis Schwarzenegger and sidekick Tom Arnold, a mustachioed Pax promptly relieves himself in his underpants and demonstrates his superior command of deductive reasoning by asking, “Would a spy pee himself?”  This, of course, is nothing but evidence of the Pax’s immense acting skill; in real life, the Pax would have superkicked Tom Arnold, then picked up his lifeless body and stabbed Ahnuld in the heart with it.

  • Pax went to space in Apollo 13, then came back and single-handedly defeated Mother Nature in Twister before bagging Helen Hunt.
  

The Many Faces of Paxton:


The Pax in "Fish Heads"


Paxton vs. Alien/Terminator/
Predator


"You're stewed, buttwad!"


"Game over, man! Game over!"


"...ass like a ten year old boy!"

 
  • James Cameron calls Pax “Knuckles” because the Pax fought off a belligerent drunk in a bar with brass knucks given to him by potential thehelicon.com honoree Lance Henriksen.

  • The Pax managed to somehow convince everybody that Frailty, his critically acclaimed directorial debut, was a good movie.

  • Remember in Office Space where Peter asks Diedrich Bader what he’d do with a million bucks and he says, “two chicks at once”?  The Pax does that one better in the new HBO drama Big Love, which I hear is very good.  The Pax plays a Mormon polygamist with three wives, struggling to balance his growing home improvement business with three times the home life, set in the fast-paced, dog-eat-dog world of suburban Salt Lake City.  Do you think Ian McKellen could handle that?  Negative, Ghost Rider.  Only the Pax has the acting chops to handle that.  Come to think of it, the Pax should have been Magneto.  He already has the power to bend steel with his mind.

Look, I could go on and on about this but this page would take six days to read.  In the basketball world, they have a saying.  “You can’t teach height.”  The same, my friends, holds true in acting.  You can’t teach Paxton.

To Bill Paxton, one of the most unsung, underrated, and underappreciated actors in Hollywood and a true Renaissance man, I present the first ever thehelicon.com Lifetime Achievement Award. Game over, Mr. Paxton. You've won.