G. I. Joes. Everybody had them. Everyone loved them. And what's not to love about these little plastic bundles of joy? In our wee days long gone, we here at thehelicon.com whiled away hours upon hours playing with these wonderful pseudo-military miniatures, reenacting battles forged in the depths of our imaginations. We were mesmerized by the totally true-to-life cartoon violence of the cartoon. We all thought Scarlett was hot. We all wanted our own sweet missile-launching tanks where the driver sits out in the open encased in only four walls of ordinary glass. Hell, just yesterday we strapped three bricks of bottle rockets and the one and only Chuckles to a painted can of Barbasol in a desperate attempt to recreate his heroic missile-chucking ride on the Tomahawk from G. I. Joe: The Movie.

So, yeah , G. I. Joes were awesome. Awesomeness, however, doesn't always come without a price; see, G.I. Joes were so awesome that Hasbro felt the need to manufacture them in force, chucking billions upon billions of little articulated warmongers to toy stores worldwide. And when you're cranking out entire populations of Joes at warp speed, sometimes your quality control guy doesn't exactly have the time to make sure each and every one doesn't not suck.

Whether it was horrible paint designs, idiotic accessories, dorky cartoon personas, or just plain asinine figure concepts that somehow managed to get mass produced, the G. I Joe toy line had its fair share of downfalls. So, we here at thehelicon.com believe that certain recognition needs to be paid to some of those action figure atrocities who met their demise through the use of BB guns, fireworks, cars, garbage disposals, garden tools, small dogs, and whatever the hell else happened to be handy at the time.

For an exercise so exhaustive, I've enlisted the help of Matt (as well as our good friend and CD rating system, fellow Joe obsessor Brad Hutson) to scour the Chinese phone book's worth of G.I. Joe toys and characters. So, without any further rambling, we bring you this extra special bag of suck: thehelicon.com’s list of Ten Worst G. I. Joes.

*Disclaimer: We acknowledge that the Street Fighter G. I. Joe series and, well, just about everything that came out from 1992-1994 was lame. This listing focuses on some of the jackasses from 1982-1990.

10. Snowjob
How can we not start with Snowjob? Not only does his name rhyme with everybody's favorite afterdinner activity, he was also pretty much useless for every single Joe mission not involving skis. Well, until Greenland finally gets the stones to invade, I guess the Joes will keep leaving Snowjob on the bench. Plus, for a guy whose special talent is supposed to be braving the cold, he seems to be wearing his parka, oh, I don't know, all the damn time; meanwhile, in the G.I. Joe movie, Quick Kick can be clearly seen waltzing around Antarctica without a shirt or shoes. No wonder Robot Chicken spent an entire sketch pointing out how much he sucks.

9. Dial Tone
Another Joe cursed with a terribly dorky code name, Dial Tone was doubly cursed by having the concept artists create him in the image of Tom Selleck's gay younger brother. Toss in the bright pee-green fanny pack strapped to his chest and the fact that the figure comes with an aresnal of nigh-intimidating bright yellow weaponry and the G.I. Joe communications expert earns a bust in this pantheon of G.I. Joe suckage.

8. Beach Head
His appearance here is totally due to two things:

1. "Beach Head."
2. Many Joe fans remember him most fondly for proclaiming in an episode of the cartoon that he doesn't wear deodorant.

7. Deep Six
I'm not even going to try to explain what the deal is with the get-up he's wearing. Instead, I'm going to take this time to reminisce about the P.S.A. where the two kids are playing by a well and they accidentally throw the ball in, revealing that Deep Six was down there the entire time. This leads me to believe that either (a) Deep Six was stuck in the well, or (b) he gets his jollies by watching small children in the park. I guess given the choice, I'd like to believe the former, but, either way, it's not really something to put on your G.I. Joe resume.

6. Zanzibar
Here’s an actual quote from this Dreadnok pirate’s filecard on the back of the figure's packaging:

"He takes one bite out of each chocolate covered donut and throws them back in the box. He brushes his teeth with grape soda and never changes his socks!"

Not only will he do that, he’ll also take a dump in your Xbox and burn all of your pants. No wonder he never made it to the cartoon. Nice ponytail, twat.

5. Raptor
Apparently in 1987, falconry, or the art/sport of training falcons to prey upon small game, was a strategic necessity for the Cobra organization’s plans for global tyranny. To accomplish this goal, Raptor was introduced. Known as the only figure to physically possess a wingspan (from his bitchin’ cape resembling falcon wings!), this plastic turd sported no shirt, a small eye mask, and a feathered falcon ‘helmet,’ all of which make him more apt to found infiltrating a fetish bar than a military base.

4. Golobulus
This half-serpent man-thing from 1987’s "G. I. Joe: The Movie" was supposed to be the ultimate villian. He was the mastermind behind the devious plan of launching millions of pods from the Himalayas into space where they would discharge billions of spores that would return to earth, rain down on all of humanity, thus turning them into mindless snake-people.

Yeah, we know. He's as lame as his diabolical schemes. Plus, he holds the distinction of being one of the few action figures ever produced that actually looks like a poop.

3. Road Pig
Four words: Cinderblock on a stick. That's the only weapon this guy comes with. Repeat: this was his only weapon for battle. Plus, look at him. He looks like the dad from The Wonder Years.

2. Wild Card
In 1988, G. I. Joe designers wanted a fresh look for the driver of the new Joe vehicle, the Mean Dog. To complete this arduous task, scientists combined DNA from that guy who played Goose in Top Gun, the bassist from Journey, and two drunks. The end result: Someone’s dad circa 1982 in dire need of finding the rest of his shirt. Fortunately, pants were included.

1. Chuckles
Some may wonder why we sent Chuckles on such a courageous, yet ultimately deadly ride on a flying Barbasol can. Here’s the reason: Chuckles is a bag of douche. How the hell is this asshat going to intimidate his Cobra enemies while wearing Don Johnson’s leftover wardrobe from Miami Vice? Granted, he is a slick looking customer, what with his pink flowered Hawaiian shirt and smarmy grin, like he just got off a plane from Margaritaville. But slick looks don’t keep you from getting belted in the gob by Big Boa.

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