I hate coffee. And I like energy drinks. Well, I don’t actually like them that much, but I do find myself purchasing them on a constant basis to help me get through my ever so busy schedule. I mean come on, like I’m actually going to just try to sleep better and eat properly? What am I, a douche? I will rely on an ill-regulated and possibly lethal combination of weird chemicals and “natural ingredients” to keep me going, thank you very much.

Unfortunately, there are a lot of terrible, terrible energy drinks on the market today. And that’s where the inspiration for this weekly feature comes up. I have volunteered myself to do weekly (well, I'm trying for weekly) reviews of all of these concoctions for your reading pleasure. I feel it is my duty to alert you, oh devoted thehelicon.com reader, of what could potentially be in store for you the next time you need a quick pick me up/crash for under $3.00. So every time that I find a new drink at the local grocer that tickles my fancy, I am on it. And let’s be honest, I just like to hear myself rant. So it’s win/win. Hooray!

On this third spooooky week edition of the Guarana-file(s), I chose BooKoo Energy

What with it being the Halloween season and all, I found it appropriate to try my giant can of Zero-Carb Citrus flavored BooKoo Energy drink. Forget the scary Halloween sounding name, because I think the giant 24 oz. can is enough to scare the pants off of me. However, not one to back down from a challenge (or a chance to lose my pants), it's time for me to tackle this bad boy no matter how frightening the name or size is. And I can once again thank Big Lots for the great value I obtained on this bucket of energy suds. Who'd of thought that I would get 2-3 times the amount of drink for less than half the usual price? I'd be stupid not to try it!

Wow, this thing is bitter. I definitely expected a super-sweet energy drink flavor, but instead I got more of a tonic water vibe. I want to compare it to the flavor of Squirt, with just a little less sugar. And a whole lot more chemicals. This lack of sweetness might have something to do with the fact that the can has a 2005 stamp on it though. But this thing can't be that old, right? Right?? Big Lots would never betray my trust in such a way.

As far as energy is concerned, this thing packs a pretty big wallop, which is to be expected with a drink of this stature. I'm bouncing off of the walls over here and I'm not even done with this behemoth yet. I am going to contribute that to the whopping 3000mg of Taurine. No Guarana to speak of though, so we'll see if I get a 24 oz. size crash here in a few hours. At the rate my heart is going right now, I'm expecting to drop to the floor like a lead balloon by dinner time. Let's just hope that I can actually get up from it. Tonight is meatloaf night!

In conclusion, I am going to give a thumbs in the middle for BooKoo. If you are able to snag it for the bargain price of $.99, then I believe it is well worth the value. I got pretty used to the unique flavor, and in fact it's almost a welcome change from the uber sweet drinks that I'm accustomed to. I got a hearty dose of energy to boot. However, assuming that the usual purchase price is probably around the $3 mark, I might be a little more hesitant. Just try to find one with a production year of 2005 and you'll be smooth sailing. If you end up in the emergency room waiting to get your stomach pumped, tell 'em Potter sent ya.

Overall Beverage Rating  (based on a $.99 cent purchase price) - 7 out of 10 Christoper Walken as the Headless Horsemen in Sleep Hollows.

Feat I feel I can accomplish after finishing – Putting up with all of the unoriginal and tactless costumes that I will no doubt encounter while attending this weekend's fesitivities. Because no one has ever thought of being a pimp! Oh, yours is different because you are having your girlfriend dress up as your ho? Well nevermind. Carry on you creative son of a gun!

We get it. But I don't think you do.

Well that does it for this week of the Guarana-file(s). Check back next week for more caffeine-filled rantings from yours truly. Happy Halloween!