I read once that nothing in a commercial is ever random. Ad agencies are paid millions of dollars to get everything perfect, including the kind of subliminal garbage that convinces people Bud Light isn’t actually horse piss. So bear all this in mind as I dissect the worst commercial I’ve ever seen. You could put the Geico gecko in a Jared commercial with the Head-On people shouting, “Apply directly to the forehead!” in the background and it wouldn’t come close to the level of disturbing dreck you’ll find in this 60 second spot.
It’s for a Go Phone. What the hell is a Go Phone anyway?
Let’s start with the premise. Some pudgy tweener corners his Dad in the garage, which is the last place I’d look for homoerotic incest, but whatever. He wants a Go Phone. The twist is that his dad is Meat Loaf, the 80’s rock singer and sort-of actor who played Bitch Tits in Fight Club. You know what, I’m just going to let you watch this thing first, then we can talk.
Jiminy Christmas. Ok, like I was saying, despite owning a hot rod and being married to 80’s masturbatory icon Tiffany, Meat Loaf and his commercial son have an… interesting relationship. First, they are serenading each other with the song “Paradise by the Dashboard Light,” which is about Meat Loaf trying to convince some girl to have sex with him in his car. That’s like singing “Afternoon Delight” with your niece at a karaoke party.
The feral, hungry eyes and bitten lip really scream, “Dad, may I please have a phone?”
Now, don’t get lost in all the creepy allusions of incest, because things are just warming up. As I mentioned, the wife is played by Tiffany, another former musician apparently in need of money. She’s carrying something into the garage, and I’ll let you guess what it is. Is Tiffany carrying:
A pitcher of ice-cold lemonade for her husband and son.
A box of clutter she’s putting in the garage until the next yard sale.
Anything else that makes any sense whatsoever.
A bloody leg of lamb.
If you said D, you are correct.
Subliminal advertising works! I’m now very concerned about household salmonella.
Of course, Meat Loaf and his son are too lost in each other’s eyes to question why Mom is carrying around a fourth of a barnyard animal. The commercial pretty much wraps up with the two half-embraced and ready to kiss, but as you can see in the embedded video above, the special Youtube edition gives the son a little encore finish. Also, Tiffany sings a spotlight solo while releasing a white dove from her hands. Weird.
I know, ironic as it is, I’ve given the Go Phone even more publicity by bashing it in front of all three of my readers. Honestly, I don’t think it can hurt. This commercial is insane. They might as well have had Dustin Diamond holding a Go Phone and repeating “Roseanne Arnold, fellatio, bamboo” for a minute straight. You are meant to watch this ad without thinking and only remember “that weird Go Phone commercial. Hey, there’s a Go Phone in Best Buy. I’ll pick one up for my son. Also, I’ll get some condoms for the two of us.”
